I was recently asked how it was so easy for me to get over the end of my marriage of six years. My answer: it wasn’t. It was one of the toughest things I had to endure. And that’s just the thing about enduring. It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s sad. It’s devastating. But in the end, it’s all you can do.
But to be able to pass through a tough time, I have realised, we must feel fully. Society will have us believe (with all the right intentions) that we mustn’t cry often. That it’s going to be fine. The truth is, it’s not going to be fine. You are going to be fine. Whatever it is you’re going through, will end. You, on the other hand, will go on.
So if it’s sadness, feel it fully so you can smile better. If it’s anger, let it rage on, so you can truly feel the calm after. If it’s grief, don’t shy away from crying, so you are free to feel something else later.
And that’s just what I did. I grieved the death of my marriage. Yes, I am old fashioned in matters of the heart. But I have come to believe that it works for me, this process of mourning. It helps me live through it. And it helps me let go. It isn’t easy, but it works. It doesn’t turn my sadness into a ball of anger, into a constantly simmering hate, into a lifelong indifference.
And that’s the long and short of it.
If you’ve read this, I’d like to know what you thought about the process.
P.S. Disclosure: None of my poems are written for my former wife, just in case you’re wondering.
December 1, 2016 at 4:30 am
Reblogged this on Ananya, The Verbal Seduction. and commented:
“Yes, I am old fashioned in matters of the heart.” – This, yes, this.
I wish we all were old fashioned in the matters of heart. There would’ve had been so less heart breaks and heart aches. World would have been a better place. If all were like this, there would have had been more of piousness, I suppose. If given one magical power, I’d turn everyone into you. Into me. Into the people who dealt with matters of heart in the most old fashioned way.
But my ‘would’ve’s’ will remain the same.
Sadly.
P.S. The kind you are is something to be proud of, J. 🙂
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December 5, 2016 at 10:06 am
Haha! Thanks again for your kind appreciation, Ananya!
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December 3, 2016 at 4:28 am
I agree with you mostly..except for the anger. I am in a similar situation, but anger never subsides. It feeds on itself until it leaves you with pretty much nothing but more anger. I do get angry, but I try not to let it control me…
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December 5, 2016 at 10:09 am
To begin with, thanks for writing in, and sharing! Perhaps it has something to do with the kinds of experiences we’ve had in our lives earlier. 🙂 I’ve felt far too angry in my younger days, so I suspect I may have run out of additional rage.
I hope your anger leaves you too. I find that after guilt, it is the worst kind of feeling a human can hold. No?
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December 5, 2016 at 10:19 am
agree…. it kills u
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December 3, 2016 at 2:54 pm
My son’s wife divorced him after twenty years of marriage. He is going through bitter grief, and depression. Every evening he keeps asking this question. “Why did she did this to me? I loved her, still love her”.
It’s heart breaking. The two young children wear pinched faces. They have forgotten to smile.
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December 5, 2016 at 10:11 am
Thank you, Sheen for sharing this here. I hope your son comes out of it soon. I hope also, without any intent to sound cruel, that he lets himself grieve fully, so that he’s ready for what comes next! 🙂
Yes, the children involved in a broken marriage possibly suffer the most, having no say in the matter, having everything to lose. I hope they find support, endure, and come out the stronger.
Thank you, again, Sheen.
J.
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